The Quiet Courage of Knowing What You Need

A small note: I use “you” here because that’s how blogs are often written, not because I know better. This is a path I’m walking too, right alongside you.

There’s a subtle voice of doubt that can creep in when you start being real with yourself by naming what you need in a relationship, romantic or platonic. 

Maybe I’m too demanding.

Maybe I need to be more flexible.

Maybe my expectations are too high.

But if you listen carefully, you might notice another message underneath:

I’m trying to keep this relationship alive at any cost.

That’s not real connection. That’s an attempt to preserve the relationship at your own expense.

And it often begins with a small betrayal of yourself—one that seems harmless, even noble. You start justifying. You soften. You rationalize. You compromise. You become skilled at making other people’s ways of being ok with you.

What it comes down to is this:

If you try to make a smoothie without fruits or vegetables, it will not be a smoothie.

If you try to build a house with half the nails and screws, it will not be a solid house.

If you try to nurture a connection where bids for connection are not received, is there really a relationship?

You may call it a relationship. You may keep it alive.

But it might not be the connection that feels whole.

What the Research Actually Shows

This is not just philosophical. It is grounded in decades of research—and the reason this matters is simple: research gives us reality, not hype. It keeps us from being persuaded by the latest influencer or the newest “relationship trend” designed to get clicks.

John Gottman, based on his scientific studies of what predicts relationship success, explains that what sustains connection is consistent emotional responsiveness. He calls this turning toward—responding to bids for connection rather than ignoring, dismissing, or minimizing them.

Bids are small and ordinary: a comment, a look, a question, a sigh. When one person reaches and the other does not respond, over and over again, the nervous system registers this as emotionally unreliable. The relationship slowly loses its emotional infrastructure.

Brené Brown, based on decades of research on shame, vulnerability, and belonging, adds that wholehearted people don’t tolerate everything. They live with clear boundaries, self-respect, and the courage to name what they need. Boundaries are not walls; they are the conditions under which trust and intimacy can exist.

Other research-based resources that support these principles include:

• Sue Johnson – Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

• Dan Siegel – Interpersonal Neurobiology

• Esther Perel – Mating in Captivity / The State of Affairs

  
  

These are not “quick fixes.” They are frameworks that show what is required for connection to be grounded, reciprocal, and nourishing. Turning to them is choosing truth over comfort.

Let the Body Tell the Truth

The body senses the truth before the mind can make sense of it. Let the research you’ve read settle into your body.

Let it settle into your belly. Notice whether there is expansion or contraction. Let it move into your heart. Is there peace there, or is there tension that requires constant mental effort to override?

If your mind is working overtime to justify, rationalize, or explain why something contrary to the research should be okay, pay attention. That effort is often the sign that something essential wants to be known.

A Courageous Self-inquiry

I recommend doing an honest evaluation of your own needs—not to judge yourself, but to clarify. Some needs are grounded, reasonable, and supported by what we know creates healthy relationships. Others may be rooted in unhealed wounds and old coping strategies.

Ask yourself honestly: are these needs aligned with what research and lived experience show sustains connection, or are they attempts to soothe unresolved pain?

Needs themselves are not a problem. Needs can include emotional intimacy, being heard, shared responsibility, physical closeness, play, creativity, trust, and mutual care. Having healthy needs does not make you needy. It makes you human.

A helpful somatic experiment to know if you’ve reached the core of a need, rather than needs based on outdated patterning, is to practice sharing first. Imagine expressing your needs and notice what happens in your chest and belly. Do the sensations feel like a contraction? If the need triggers shame, disappointment, frustration or a sense of demand, you likely haven’t yet clarified your first principles—your most basic, foundational truths. Consider exploring further, perhaps with a close confidant, coach, or therapist. This can help you clarify what is truly needed before bringing it into the relationship. Clear is kind. If the sensations feel more like vulnerability and openness, or even completely neutral and matter-of-fact, then you may be ready to share because you have touched the essence.

The “Should” Trap

Sometimes the mind steps in to keep the relationship intact by rewriting reality. It tells convincing stories:

You should be more understanding.

You should be grateful.

You should be able to accept them as they are.

Accepting someone as they are does not mean every level of closeness is possible, nor that your own boundaries stop mattering. Sometimes acceptance asks for distance, not intimacy. Sometimes it asks for a redefinition of the relationship—less access, fewer expectations, clearer boundaries—so you are no longer negotiating your well-being just to keep something going that cannot meet you where you are.

When someone expresses fear of disappointing you, it can quietly activate a caretaking response. Without noticing, you may start adjusting yourself so the relationship feels easier for them, even if it becomes less true for you. The “shoulds” become a way of managing discomfort rather than honouring what you actually need.

That is not compassion. That is self-abandonment disguised as niceness.

And it is not honesty either. When you disregard your needs, you are not fully showing up as yourself with the other person, and you are not honouring the authenticity and respect the relationship deserves.

No One Else Can Do Your Inner Work

The other person cannot do the inner work you are called to do. Healing, understanding your patterns, and clarifying your first principles is your responsibility.

If this sounds harsh, do know that this is the foundation of your empowerment.

When you take responsibility for your inner world, you stop outsourcing your sense of stability to others. You stop asking relationships to compensate for what only you can truly tend to.

So the question becomes simple, though not easy.

Why do you want to be in this relationship? What need does it fill, and is that need being met in a way that feels grounded and alive?

This is not about perfection. It is about honesty, integrity and healthy, nourishing, authentic relationships.

The Quiet Courage of Self-Respect

The most courageous act is remaining faithful to yourself.

Not rigidly. Not defensively. But clearly.

You do not betray yourself by asking for what you need. You betray yourself by pretending your needs do not matter. By shrinking. By accommodating what consistently hurts. By making yourself smaller so something else can continue.

Show up as an adult for yourself.

Show up as an adult for your companions.

Know what you need. Know why you need it. And let that clarity guide who has intimate access to your life.

Knowing what you need is not selfish—it is the first step toward real connection because you will be showing up as fully you. 

I hold the vision of a world where we can all show up in unity with our divine individualities.